Tonight at supper we had the best time editing my youngest son’s paper for his creative writing class.  I was laughing so hard, I was having trouble proof reading it.  Here is the story, complete with the copyright!  I hope you enjoy this story as much as we did.

Copyright (C) 2011 Geoffrey Ayers.
Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this document
Under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.3
Or any later version published by the Free Software Foundation;
With no Invariant Sections, no Front-Cover Texts, and no Back-Cover Texts.
A copy of the license is included in the section entitled “GNU
Free Documentation License”.

The case of the Diamond Ducky

By Geoffrey Ayers


It was a warm spring day, May 21, 230- to be exact; when I heard the cry for help, well being the helper I am I decided to help.

Before we go on you might want to know a bit about me, my name is Matt J. Eagle. You have probably heard of me unless you have lived under a rock for the past 3 decades (unlikely) or you are from a future generation that can & will learn from my most interesting journey. Now for physical appearance I am immaculate, rippling muscles, blond hair, blue eyes, remarkably tall (a whopping 4’6”) and stick thin. Not quite stick thin but only 24 more inches and I am there! As for brain power I am quite smarter than the average humanoid, IQ 617 (the average nowadays is about 400-450 if the IQ is generally higher in the new age) and on my SAT & ACT I got 9,000 and 600 respectively.

Onward with the story.

I heard the cry coming from ding-dong mansion! (Next to Twinkie mansion of course.) I rushed over there feeling excitement as I ran. When I made it there I rang the doorbell and waited for the butler Eugene J. Magnet, very attractive (excuse the pun, can’t help myself) young man, dark hair, brown eyes, yet very weak! I have been trying to convince him to go to the gym lately yet he doesn’t listen! Well today he was looking rather pale so naturally I ask him, “Eugene what’s the matter?”


Now there was a reason to scream, if you haven’t heard of the diamond ducky you have either lived under a rock for the past 3 decades or are from a future age. The diamond ducky is possibly the most incredibly valuable conglomeration of matter in the entire world, owned by Mr. & Mrs. Diamond ding-dong and long sought by their next door neighbors (and rivals) the Twinkies!

“Ouch, that’s terrible” I said choosing each word with care

“Yes, and now ding-dong JR. won’t take his bath, this is a world crisis!” Eugene wailed in anguish.

“But never fear, I am here, I will bring the perpetrator to justice!” I said comfortingly

“You will?” Eugene asked

“Yes of course, you know I do this WITH OUT pay and all” I said. I could tell the words were sending waves of relief through him but he still had to joke, “That was a rhetorical question!”

“Well take me to the crime scene already” I almost shouted


Well there wasn’t much evidence that was for sure, only three footprints that had already had plaster molds taken of them and that was it. The only description available was of a tall dark-haired man. The suspects:

John Black: the boot black, tall dark-haired man who had the brains and brawn to do it

Matt Black: another boot black that is tall dark-haired and is the brother of John Black

Jack Black: Same as above

And finally Eugene Magnet: tall dark-haired, a good brain but not enough brawn possible.

“Well who is it?” Asked Rhubarb Ding-dong, the mother of ding-dong JR.

“This is a sticky case, I don’t know yet” I replied

“Well hurry it up or you’ll have a murder case, my murder because ding-dong JR. stinks” replied Rhubarb mirthlessly


Well after testing all the shoes of the men I have found the most likely culprit, Jack Black. Yet the motive escapes me, WHY? He had always been treated nicely by the diamond ding-dongs. Still more he said he had lost his shoes and hadn’t found them till this morning. A thorough search has been made of all his possible hiding places for the diamond ducky and yet it wasn’t found.  Plus it hadn’t even rained yesterday so how could there be mud. He decided to go over to the Twinkies as they had invited him to lunch.


I knocked on the door. It was opened by a tall dark-haired man who called himself Jack Butler, nice name I thought.

As I was having tea with the Twinkies, they just could not stop rambling about the diamond ding-dongs and kept winking at Jack Butler.

“Isn’t it a shame the ding-dongs don’t have their precious ducky” Said Twinkle Twinkie

“Yes it is, and I intend to get to the bottom of it!” I said determinedly

“To bad the case is unsolvable; I know that’s for sure!” Zack Twinkie said.

Suddenly I realized the Twinkies had overplayed their hand, tall dark-haired man, Jack Black’s missing shoe. No rain last night, it all made sense now.

“Where is your garden hose located” I asked quickly getting up

“Why do you ask?” Asked Mr. Twinkie

“I need to know, now” I commanded liking the authoritative tone in my voice

They all got up and led me out back, I could get used to this!

“See, there it is” Mr. Twinkie said

“Ah hah! I knew it mud, nice try but your under arrest for stealing the diamond ducky of diamond ding-dong mansion!”


Hours later we knew all that had transpired the past 2 days, from the Twinkies own mouths.

Two days ago while Jack Black was on the job shining shoes for $90 an hour, Jack Butler had forced the lock on his apartment (they lived in the same floor of the same apartment) and had stolen his shoes. They then waited a night to do the heist. Last night Jack Butler had sprayed some water on the ground making a lot of mud. Then he pressed the shoes in getting them all muddy. Then he threw a grappling hook onto the balcony and had climbed up since the ding-dongs did not lock the balcony door and  Jack Butler had gotten through easily. He immediately went to the bathroom (after accidentally stumbling into ding-dong JR.’s room were we got the description) and made some footprints and stole the ducky.

Then he met up with the Twinkies and they had promptly put it into their own bathroom where we found it! Well, another case cracked and another ding-dong happy!